I cry knowing one more parent has lost a child...

The news no parent wants....The loss of a child is so deep, painful beyond imagination; it feels as if someone has ripped out your heart and soul, leaving you gutted! All the well wishers, telling you to have faith, that your child is in a better place, when we know, as parents, the best place is with us! I wasn't ready for God to take my child...In fact, I was pretty ticked off at Him for a very long time! I was angy with myself too, angry at the women still holding their babies while mine is just in a box! All I know, is I want the world to make a sharp u-turn and change time....just enough to say everything I wanted to say, one more hug, one more kiss, one more anything!!! How can this happen? Most importantly, why? It's been 14 years for me, and the pain of that day still resides in the deepest part of my heart.

Fourteen years have come and gone; I hate that he's gone, I'm angry that I will never hear his laughtrer, or feel his lips brush against my cheek. I'm angry that his death has trashed our family.....I still mourn, after fourteen years, yes, I still mourn. I cry because his life was brief, because I wonder what he would have become, I know, he would be here for his brother and help me to feel good about when my time comes. I miss him so much it hurts...and the pain NEVER goes away! It's just fine to still hurt and remember, they are dead, it's true, but they live on in our hearts! miss you Bobby

Sometimes, you just need to cry

I attended our local Hospice Light up your Life celebration; it was nice at first, meeting and greeting people, knowing that we all have so much in common is a good thing because we can relate to the needs of one another. Then, as a board member, I was given a part to read for our ceremony; I scanned it not really paying attention to the words until I had to read them. The words reminded me of my child whom I once held tenderly in my arms, who I, many times scolded, and just laughed with--

Then the tears came, like a waterfall just bursting from a cold winter into the spring. I miss him so much and yes, after almost fourteen years, the thoughts of him still hurt my heart. After the ceremony was over a sweet slideshow of loved ones flashed on the screen, and two songs whitch always make me cry played-- my heart was taken back to the moment I let my baby go.

Sometimes you just need to cry, even if the pain gets difficult it reminds us that they were in our lives and even though they are away from our sight they are never away from our hearts, minds, and souls. Take care of yourselves during the holidays and remember to remember our loved ones. Get that gift for a stranger with a purpose, shop with your loved one in mind. you will find that the giving means something more special than just grabbing something of the shelf and handing it over. When we shop for our loved ones we search for just the right gift, something that will bring endless joy.
Happy holidays!

Just saying...

I was talking to a woman yesterday who also lost a child; she was upset because people beleive we should be "over" it. She also mentioned how some like to liken this to losing a pet! While grief, no matter what the loss is difficult, and yes, losing a pet is hard, losing someone you love is not something we simply get over. I have had a miscarriage, and for me, it was a blessing, but know that I already had seven children, and my marriage was horrific, so for me...It was not a grieving issue. I know many who have lost a baby, and for them, I am sorry for your loss. Most people want to get pregnant; I did not. But, I would never tell someone that their grief over the loss of a baby is in any way different than my loss of my grown child--I have memories, I can see his smile, hear his laughter, and remember his funny things that made me--well...laugh even though I wanted to beat him for them. Everyone grieves different, in their own way, and in their own time. During the holiday season, I wish to send out much love and heartfelt hugs out to those missing loved ones. It's a mournful time looking at the empty table, or just buying presents knowing someone is not there to share them with. My suggestion: Go out and shop for that loved one and then...donate it to a woman's shelter, or homeless shelter. If you shop with your loved one in mind, then the gift will have meaning--purpose. Take care of YOU! Hold your family and friends close and be grateful for the moments you shared with the ones you love.
Merry Christmas, or whatever holiday you beleive...just give the best gift you can..a warm smile, a gentle thoughtful wish, and life will be good.

Grief rights!

1.I have the right to have my own unique feelings about the death. I may feel mad, sad, or lonely. I may feel scared or relieved. I may feel numb or sometimes not anything at all. No one will feel exactly like I do.
2.I have the right to talk about my grief whenever I feel like talking. When I need to talk, I will find someone who will listen to me and love me. When I don’t want to talk about it, that’s OK too.
3.I have the right to show my feelings of grief in my own way. When they are hurting, some kids like to play so they’ll feel better for awhile. I can play or laugh, too. I might also get mad and scream. This does not mean I am bad, it just means I have scary feelings that I need help with.
4.I have the right to need other people to help me with my grief, especially grownups who care about me. Mostly I need them to pay attention to what I am feeling and saying and to love me no matter what.
5.have the right to get upset about normal, everyday problems. I might feel grumpy and have trouble getting along with others sometimes.
6.I have the right to have “griefbursts.” Griefbursts are sudden, unexpected feelings of sadness that just hit me sometimes—even long after the death. These feelings can be very strong and even scary. When this happens, I might feel afraid to be alone.
7.I have the right to use my beliefs about my god to help me deal with my feelings of grief. Praying might make me feel better and somehow closer to the person who died.
8.I have the right to try to figure out why the person I loved died. But it’s OK if I don’t find an answer. “Why” questions about life and death are the hardest questions in the world.
9.I have the right to think and talk about my memories of the person who died. Sometimes those memories will be happy and sometimes they might be sad. Either way, these memories help me keep alive my love for the person who died.
10.I have the right to move toward and feel my grief and, over time, to heal. I’ll go on to live a happy life, but the life and death of the person who died will always be a part of me. I’ll always miss them.

Why is Mommy Sad?

Jenny was picked up from school by her neighbor, Dena, today instead of mommy; perhaps mommy had a headache or was late from an appoinment. When the car drove up to the neighbor's house across the street she noticed alot of cars parked every where; a sick weird sort of funny feeling rolled around in her tummy. Like the time she ate a corn dog, cotton candy, a big snow cone, and rode the roller coaster with her big brother Billy last Summer.

Jenny bearly had time to push open the front door when her Uncle Dave's huge muscular arm held it open as he went for her and scooped her up like a doll in one of those crane machines. She was startled and scared by the big drops of tears falling from his eyes; as a matter of fact, everyone in the house was sobbing!

Jenny scanned the room quickly for her mom, but mom was no where to be found. She quickly wiggled and wriggled until that little five year old managed to squirm out of Uncle Dave's arms, she yelled loud and hard. "Mommy!" as she ran down the hall looking and screaming every step of the way. There, in the bedroom, huddled on the bed, was her mom, sobbing.

Everyone was trying to usher Jenny out of the room, saying that she was too young to understand. How could she understand when no one would explain what everyone was crying about? Why was all these people in her home? Why was her mommy so sad? What could possibly happen so bad that could make so many people cry so hard?

later that evening, Jenny's Daddy came home from his business trip, Jenny was so glad to see him. Maybe he would tell her why mommy as so sad?There was some talk about grandma, sometimes everyone would laugh and then they would start to cry again. Jenny overheard someone say Grandma was gone. But where did she go and if grandma left, why didn't she take her big funny carpet bag? It was very confusing. Jenny went into Grandma's room and just sat on her big chair. She sat there and rocked back and forth and rubbed her soft quilt that grandma made years ago. Jenny took the quilt, dragged it into momy's room, and handed it to mommy.

"Is Grandma going to take this with her when she goes?" Asked Jenny with a soft gentle smile.

Everyone in the room made a loud noise and took a deap breath in! Jenny's face turned flat and her eyes went big. Everyone looked with a disaproving gaze. Jenny's eyes teared up. She had no idea what she had said to make everyone look so funny, and not in that clown sort of way, but in that, I have a sick tummy way.

Daddy took Jenny and picked her up sweetly and carried her off for a talk.
"Hi sweet-pea" daddy said with a kiss on her damp cheek. "It's been a crazy day huh?" Jenny just nodded her head as she nuzzled into his chest. "Daddy needs to talk to you about Grandma, and about something else too." He continued. "Do you know what death is?"Jenny looked a little puzzled. and said.
"I'm not to sure daddy. On TV, I hear it, but I don't really know what it is."

"Do you remember the little herb garden you grew last summer?" AskDaddy.
Jenny nodded her head."Yes, Daddy."

"Well, remember when we first planted the seeds, and they grew, they needed water, sunlight, food, and someone to take care of them?" He added.

"Yes, I Do Remember." Replied Jenny.

"Do you know what happens when they don't get what they need, or if they were sick?" Asked Daddy.

Jenny scratched her auburn hair and scrunched up her nose. "I don't know daddy, we ate them remember?"
Daddy laughed. "oh yeah...I guess we did." Well, back to the subject. Daddy tried hard to stay on task. "Honey, every growing thing lives and every growing thing will die. trees, plants,birds, dogs, cats, fish, ...."
Jenny interupts" Even my gold fish fluffy?"
"Yes, Jenny, someday, even Fluffy will die too." continues daddy " When things and people die, they are gone and can not come back. We can keep their memory in our hearts and in our minds, we can remember how much they loved us and all the fun things they did, we can smile when we remember them and yes, we can even cry when we miss them."
Jenny looked up at daddy and then at Grandma's chair. "Daddy?"
Daddy looked over his glasses at Jenny."Yes, Sweet-pea"
"Is Grandma Dead?" Jenny asked as she rubbed her chair.
Daddy scooped Jenny up and gave her a hug and said..."Yes." They both cried. "Daddy," Jenny asked with a sniffle while her little nose dripped. "are you and Mommy going to die too?" Daddy sighed and said. "Someday, we will, but I think it will be after we are very old, and have lived to see you grow up to be a mommy , doctor, baseball player or whatever you want when you get big!.""We all are born, and we all will die someday, that is life. The wonderful thing about it all is, we have one another, we have love, and have beautiful memories, and pictures we can pull out and share from days of yesterday that will make us smile again."
Jenny smiled. She ran to the closet and got her baby book, took it out and grabbed the picture of grandma holding her when she was born. "Look daddy, Grandma is happy here! Can I take this to show mommy?"
Daddy nodded yes; Jenny took the picture and went into mommy's room.

I don't plan on dying for a long time!

No one plans on dying, it can happen from an accident, getting sick, choking-- Ok, I'm not trying to scare anyone but-- Death will happen to all of us. What is some of the important thing we all need to do? Make a will, discuss your plans and wishes with your loved ones, make sure more than one person knows where to find your vital information, make previsions for under aged children, keep your medical information where a family member will find it easily, if you wish to be a organ donor, let it be known! (not just on your license) Take the time to jot down anything you might feel is relevant-- Access codes, passwords, etc. ( in a safe place that is...) If you want certain people to have specific items after you are gone; put it in writing and sign it. Unfortunately when a loved one is gone, the scavengers come out in flocks!

I being of sound mind and body--spent it! I bequeath to you, my love, memories; good bad and ugly.. I lived my life, made my share of mistakes; I will go to my maker with a clear conscience knowing I did my best. So, there will be no treasures to share except the ones I hold dear on this earth--my family.