Why is Mommy Sad?

Jenny was picked up from school by her neighbor, Dena, today instead of mommy; perhaps mommy had a headache or was late from an appoinment. When the car drove up to the neighbor's house across the street she noticed alot of cars parked every where; a sick weird sort of funny feeling rolled around in her tummy. Like the time she ate a corn dog, cotton candy, a big snow cone, and rode the roller coaster with her big brother Billy last Summer.

Jenny bearly had time to push open the front door when her Uncle Dave's huge muscular arm held it open as he went for her and scooped her up like a doll in one of those crane machines. She was startled and scared by the big drops of tears falling from his eyes; as a matter of fact, everyone in the house was sobbing!

Jenny scanned the room quickly for her mom, but mom was no where to be found. She quickly wiggled and wriggled until that little five year old managed to squirm out of Uncle Dave's arms, she yelled loud and hard. "Mommy!" as she ran down the hall looking and screaming every step of the way. There, in the bedroom, huddled on the bed, was her mom, sobbing.

Everyone was trying to usher Jenny out of the room, saying that she was too young to understand. How could she understand when no one would explain what everyone was crying about? Why was all these people in her home? Why was her mommy so sad? What could possibly happen so bad that could make so many people cry so hard?

later that evening, Jenny's Daddy came home from his business trip, Jenny was so glad to see him. Maybe he would tell her why mommy as so sad?There was some talk about grandma, sometimes everyone would laugh and then they would start to cry again. Jenny overheard someone say Grandma was gone. But where did she go and if grandma left, why didn't she take her big funny carpet bag? It was very confusing. Jenny went into Grandma's room and just sat on her big chair. She sat there and rocked back and forth and rubbed her soft quilt that grandma made years ago. Jenny took the quilt, dragged it into momy's room, and handed it to mommy.

"Is Grandma going to take this with her when she goes?" Asked Jenny with a soft gentle smile.

Everyone in the room made a loud noise and took a deap breath in! Jenny's face turned flat and her eyes went big. Everyone looked with a disaproving gaze. Jenny's eyes teared up. She had no idea what she had said to make everyone look so funny, and not in that clown sort of way, but in that, I have a sick tummy way.

Daddy took Jenny and picked her up sweetly and carried her off for a talk.
"Hi sweet-pea" daddy said with a kiss on her damp cheek. "It's been a crazy day huh?" Jenny just nodded her head as she nuzzled into his chest. "Daddy needs to talk to you about Grandma, and about something else too." He continued. "Do you know what death is?"Jenny looked a little puzzled. and said.
"I'm not to sure daddy. On TV, I hear it, but I don't really know what it is."

"Do you remember the little herb garden you grew last summer?" AskDaddy.
Jenny nodded her head."Yes, Daddy."

"Well, remember when we first planted the seeds, and they grew, they needed water, sunlight, food, and someone to take care of them?" He added.

"Yes, I Do Remember." Replied Jenny.

"Do you know what happens when they don't get what they need, or if they were sick?" Asked Daddy.

Jenny scratched her auburn hair and scrunched up her nose. "I don't know daddy, we ate them remember?"
Daddy laughed. "oh yeah...I guess we did." Well, back to the subject. Daddy tried hard to stay on task. "Honey, every growing thing lives and every growing thing will die. trees, plants,birds, dogs, cats, fish, ...."
Jenny interupts" Even my gold fish fluffy?"
"Yes, Jenny, someday, even Fluffy will die too." continues daddy " When things and people die, they are gone and can not come back. We can keep their memory in our hearts and in our minds, we can remember how much they loved us and all the fun things they did, we can smile when we remember them and yes, we can even cry when we miss them."
Jenny looked up at daddy and then at Grandma's chair. "Daddy?"
Daddy looked over his glasses at Jenny."Yes, Sweet-pea"
"Is Grandma Dead?" Jenny asked as she rubbed her chair.
Daddy scooped Jenny up and gave her a hug and said..."Yes." They both cried. "Daddy," Jenny asked with a sniffle while her little nose dripped. "are you and Mommy going to die too?" Daddy sighed and said. "Someday, we will, but I think it will be after we are very old, and have lived to see you grow up to be a mommy , doctor, baseball player or whatever you want when you get big!.""We all are born, and we all will die someday, that is life. The wonderful thing about it all is, we have one another, we have love, and have beautiful memories, and pictures we can pull out and share from days of yesterday that will make us smile again."
Jenny smiled. She ran to the closet and got her baby book, took it out and grabbed the picture of grandma holding her when she was born. "Look daddy, Grandma is happy here! Can I take this to show mommy?"
Daddy nodded yes; Jenny took the picture and went into mommy's room.

I don't plan on dying for a long time!

No one plans on dying, it can happen from an accident, getting sick, choking-- Ok, I'm not trying to scare anyone but-- Death will happen to all of us. What is some of the important thing we all need to do? Make a will, discuss your plans and wishes with your loved ones, make sure more than one person knows where to find your vital information, make previsions for under aged children, keep your medical information where a family member will find it easily, if you wish to be a organ donor, let it be known! (not just on your license) Take the time to jot down anything you might feel is relevant-- Access codes, passwords, etc. ( in a safe place that is...) If you want certain people to have specific items after you are gone; put it in writing and sign it. Unfortunately when a loved one is gone, the scavengers come out in flocks!

I being of sound mind and body--spent it! I bequeath to you, my love, memories; good bad and ugly.. I lived my life, made my share of mistakes; I will go to my maker with a clear conscience knowing I did my best. So, there will be no treasures to share except the ones I hold dear on this earth--my family.

the dreaded "C" word!!!

This is sometimes known as the Grim Reeper to some; a sure death sentance. We face the same process; we have shock, denial, what if's and anger. We are facing our own immortality and that of those we love. We are more aware of our loved ones, of life, the beauty that encompases our daily lives...Think of this: Most who die never get the chance to tell those they love how much they are loved, to say, "forgive me".

When one is diagnosed with the dreaded "C" word or any other life-threatening illness, it is important perhaps not so much for the one dying, but it is an intriquite part of healing for the ones left facing the loss.This is called unfinished business My grandma gave me some solid advice years ago: Never let the sun set or your eyes drift to slumber before saying "I'm sorry" or most important,"I love you"I do think it sad however, that we never get this done until we are facing that life and death moment. Family members argue, hold tight to grudges that should be resolved by a simple phrase, " I love you." We all may never know when the it's time for us to die. So whatever you do, hold your loved ones tight, and end the bickering. The reality is, we are all sure that one day will be that day...

It's been *blank* Months aren't you "over" it yet?

Over what? This is not the flu, or a broken fingernail; it is a loss! Depending on how great the loss might be will also depend on the severity of the grieving process. If this is a great aunt, twice removed, and you never had anything to do with her your grief might be a sniffle, half a hankie and it's all over. Consider this: It's your child, the death was too quick to even say good-bye, well then....you might never feel entirely whole again--ever. A piece of your heart and soul has just been snatched away! So, you are not crazy, if tears well up in the middle of the night, or while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich-- A death, especially if it's someone you love more than life itself, the grief is not just going to stop just because of some time table--take your time, allow that whole in your heart to fill. Sometimes, it never really fills up, it can however become a part of who you are.

Oh no-- it's getting close to my friend's dead loved one's birthday!

Number one: Whatever you do, don't avoid the mentioning of the lost loved one's name. As someone who has lost a child, I can honestly say, we need to be reminded of out lost family member, we need stories, memories, objects, and whatever it takes to keep our loved ones in our minds. It's hard to say but we want them here with us, and since we can't have that--any reminder will do. So, acknowledge the memory, the existence, it's vital to the grieving process. We know they are gone, the painful reminder is there, stabbing at our already weakened hearts. No, we are not over it--nor will we ever be. We did not lose an article of clothing we lost a part of ourselves. Send a short note, a birthday card, something that allows us the moment to reflect on the loved one. Send anniversary cards to a widow or widower, they relish that time of their life and need someone--anyone to validate how they feel.

Children Dealing with Death

Living with Death

Death is a reality that children, like all of us, can learn to live with.

Even before the death of a close family member occurs, parents can begin to introduce the idea of death as a part of everyday life. The nightly news, a trip past the cemetery, or a dead plant or bird may spark conversation about death.

Start early, be honest and encourage children to talk about their feelings regarding death.

Periodic conversations about death are important since understanding death is a gradual process. Children will take in the information as they are ready and increase their understanding as they develop.

Children feel the loss of loved ones just as intensely as adults do, although this grief is often expressed in different ways: through play, art or even acting out.

Children will cope with grief according to the stressors created by their relationship to the person (or animal) who has died.

There are some great books to introduce death to children. Let me show you a few!
I Miss You: A First Look At Death [Paperback] Pat Thomas (Author)

Gentle Willow: A Story for Children About Dying Joyce C. Mills
The Next PlaceWarren Hanson
The Kid's Book About Death and DyingEric Rofes

What On Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? Trevor Romain

My advise, talk to a child before someone close to them dies...Death is a part of life; every living thing dies--

The Seven Stages of Grief

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

There are certain do's and don'ts to helping people deal with grief

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.

* Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your(mom/child etc died.)" Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
* Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
* Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings.
Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
* Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
* Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved

* "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
* "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
* "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
* "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
* "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
* Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."
[http://www.americanhospice.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=85&Itemid=8]
When in the grieving process, it is not a good thing for the bereaved to make any life-altering changes! Allow them to hold on to " personal items" of their loved one, clothes, favorite hat, pillow case etc. humans cling to the smell of a loved one--we need to remember them in as many ways as possible.

My sweet husband, thinking he was doing a "good thing" Found Bobby's clothes and washed them--I was devastated! I needed to feel him, smell him, touch things that he touched!

So, don't think someone is "loosing it" when the need to keep items that belong to the deceased--Let them grieve how they see fit!

Death--and dealing with the fallout

Oh yes, there is fallout! We all try and deal with this the best we can; we try and find some words of comfort--some solitary verbage that will ease the pain--we fail mostly. I have to say, as someone who has lost a child that it seems there is no words to comfort an empty broken heart. Hearing:
"He's in a better place, you will see him again...someday, just think, no more pain!" What the heck? I mean, are you saying that he's better off dead than with me, or with his family? Are you telling me that living with me, his mother, is painful? Let's forget about the someday...I want him here with me NOW!!

My favorite movie that illustrates the feeling of loss is, Steel Magnolias Maylyn said it best:

M'Lynn: No.. I couldn't leave my Shelby. I just sat there and kept pushin' the way I always have where Shelby was concerned.... I was hopin' she'd sit up and argue with me. Finally we realized there was no hope. They turned off the machines. (Pause) Drum left.. couldn't take it. Jackson left. (Slight
"laugh") I find it amusin'.. men are supposed to be made outta steel or
somethin. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. Oh God.. I realize as a woman how lucky I am! I was there when that beautiful creature drifted into my life.. and I was there when she drifted out of it. It was the most precious moment of my life... [Sighs] I gotta get back. Has anyone got a mirror? M'Lynn: I'm fine.. I'm fine.. I'm fine.. I'm FINE! I could jog all the way to Texas and back.. but my daughter can't!! She nevercould!! Oh.. God.....I'm so mad I don't know what to do!! I wanna know why!I wanna know WHY Shelby's life is over!! I wanna HOW that baby willEVER know how wonderful his mother was.. Will he EVER know what shewent THROUGH for him? Oh God I wanna know WHY? WHY? Lord...I wish I could understand!
No...NO...NO!! It's not supposed to happen this way!I'm supposed to go first!! I've always been ready to go first! I don't think I can take this.. I.. I don't think I can take this! I just wanna hit somethin'! I just wanna hit somebody.. till they feel as bad as I do!! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it HARD!

This is how I felt, I mean when I wasn't on auto-pilot. That is a hard loss, one that never heals. Oh I have learned to live with it, learn from the experiance but never does the pain go away.