There are certain do's and don'ts to helping people deal with grief

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.

* Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your(mom/child etc died.)" Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
* Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
* Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings.
Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
* Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
* Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved

* "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
* "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."
* "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
* "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.
* "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
* Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."
[http://www.americanhospice.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=85&Itemid=8]
When in the grieving process, it is not a good thing for the bereaved to make any life-altering changes! Allow them to hold on to " personal items" of their loved one, clothes, favorite hat, pillow case etc. humans cling to the smell of a loved one--we need to remember them in as many ways as possible.

My sweet husband, thinking he was doing a "good thing" Found Bobby's clothes and washed them--I was devastated! I needed to feel him, smell him, touch things that he touched!

So, don't think someone is "loosing it" when the need to keep items that belong to the deceased--Let them grieve how they see fit!

Death--and dealing with the fallout

Oh yes, there is fallout! We all try and deal with this the best we can; we try and find some words of comfort--some solitary verbage that will ease the pain--we fail mostly. I have to say, as someone who has lost a child that it seems there is no words to comfort an empty broken heart. Hearing:
"He's in a better place, you will see him again...someday, just think, no more pain!" What the heck? I mean, are you saying that he's better off dead than with me, or with his family? Are you telling me that living with me, his mother, is painful? Let's forget about the someday...I want him here with me NOW!!

My favorite movie that illustrates the feeling of loss is, Steel Magnolias Maylyn said it best:

M'Lynn: No.. I couldn't leave my Shelby. I just sat there and kept pushin' the way I always have where Shelby was concerned.... I was hopin' she'd sit up and argue with me. Finally we realized there was no hope. They turned off the machines. (Pause) Drum left.. couldn't take it. Jackson left. (Slight
"laugh") I find it amusin'.. men are supposed to be made outta steel or
somethin. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. Oh God.. I realize as a woman how lucky I am! I was there when that beautiful creature drifted into my life.. and I was there when she drifted out of it. It was the most precious moment of my life... [Sighs] I gotta get back. Has anyone got a mirror? M'Lynn: I'm fine.. I'm fine.. I'm fine.. I'm FINE! I could jog all the way to Texas and back.. but my daughter can't!! She nevercould!! Oh.. God.....I'm so mad I don't know what to do!! I wanna know why!I wanna know WHY Shelby's life is over!! I wanna HOW that baby willEVER know how wonderful his mother was.. Will he EVER know what shewent THROUGH for him? Oh God I wanna know WHY? WHY? Lord...I wish I could understand!
No...NO...NO!! It's not supposed to happen this way!I'm supposed to go first!! I've always been ready to go first! I don't think I can take this.. I.. I don't think I can take this! I just wanna hit somethin'! I just wanna hit somebody.. till they feel as bad as I do!! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it HARD!

This is how I felt, I mean when I wasn't on auto-pilot. That is a hard loss, one that never heals. Oh I have learned to live with it, learn from the experiance but never does the pain go away.